Who doesn't love reader mail?

This is a hypothetical question, don't mail me about it.

Hi again very real person, Thank you for the amazing advice. I chose to seek out Pinocchio, though admittedly I was a bit nervous at first. I waited around for a few nights and watched him fall asleep, but couldn't quite work up the courage to break in. He eventually noticed and started throwing objects at me which left me a bit bruised and sore. He had a lot of balls, I'll give him that. I was actually considering giving up. And to be honest, I never found real flesh to be particularly appetizing at all. But just like magic, that all inexplicably changed one night. He suddenly started smelling like the most delicious French fries ever. I hadn't felt hunger like that before. It's like he was calling to me. Very real person, the scent was so intense, I just couldn't resist. He even came with a burger and drink! It was such a good meal, I cannot begin to describe it. I haven't felt this real in years, and it's all thanks to you and your blog! I won't close this without another question though: what's the best way to get rid of a brain bug infestation? Thanks in advance. Pseudosigned, Patate "Pat" François

Brain bugs aren't real Pat, don't worry. Unlike you, they're only from stories and movies. Dracula, The Wolfman, Brain Bugs, Tuesday afternoon, all these things may feel real because they're from movies and movies are better than real life. It's a lie known as fiction. Fiction is great, but don't confuse it for reality. In fact, what you're really feeling is bedbugs. They hide in your bed and like to consume brains. This is why I don't sleep in a bed and strap myself to the ceiling. There aren't any ceiling bugs!