More Reader Mail

I just want to say I love your blog and it is the greatest thing on the internet. I would like to ask for some of your advice also. I've always felt like the entire world was out to get me, but lately it has gotten worse. When I'm trying to sleep at night, I hear this weird, shaky breathing coming from just outside the window, sometimes with a faint mumbling that sounds like "I'm gonna eat chu." When cars pass by behind with their headlights on, I can sometimes even make out a shadowy figure holding an object, probably a knife. It also smells a little like french fries until I shut the window completely. Obviously none of this is real because nobody has actually come through the window and done their worst yet, but I'm still terrified of going outside and facing reality. How do I overcome this irrational fear? I cannot afford to make that single misstep that might cause me to lose my real-boy status. Thanks! ~ P. Nokio

Did you know my blog is so great that there's a link to it on the front page of the Internet? It's true! Unfortunately nobody goes to the front page of the Internet anymore and its true nature is shrouded in mystery. It's probably still one of those Angelfire pages with all the animated GIFs. Don't be concerned if you feel like the whole world is out to get you Nokio. People all over the world feel like that. That's because the whole world really is out to get everyone. Solar radiation, poisonous insects, freezing or boiling temperatures, mimes. Nobody is ever safe, especially in their own homes. Your specific case is rather simple though. Judging by the "chu" noises what you're dealing with is a Pokemon. Specifically it's a Bulbasaur. I recommend grabbing yourself a master ball and pretending to sleep. As soon as it approcahes toss that bastard at it and sell it to the nearest Pokemon Trainer. If that doesn't work your last hope will be to buy a whole lot of French fries and just rub your body all over with them to make yourself smell just like your assailant. At that point you can just blend in with him and he'll never notice you're there. Be sure to also purchase a double cheeseburger and a medium coke because it's cheaper as a value meal. Cheers!